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We often use the expression, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen." It is usually intended to mean that if you cannot handle pressure, criticism, confrontation, or intensity, you should remove yourself from the situation.

But what if I am not there for the heat?

What if I simply want to make a sandwich?

The metaphor assumes that everyone entering the kitchen is there for the same reason. In reality, two people can occupy the same conversation, argument, or situation while having completely different intentions and levels of emotional investment.

One person may be deeply invested in winning an argument. The other may simply want to understand the issue and move on. One person may see confrontation as a battle. The other may see it as a conversation.

One person may be emotionally overwhelmed by what is being said. The other may be completely unaffected. This creates a fascinating disconnect. The person experiencing the greatest emotional intensity can mistakenly assume that everyone else must be experiencing the same heat. They are not.

Sometimes what feels like a heated argument to one person is merely an exchange of information to another. Sometimes one person is fighting for an outcome while the other has nothing at stake. Perhaps this is why certain disagreements become unnecessarily intense. We mistake our own emotional investment for a shared emotional reality.

The next time someone says, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen," perhaps the better question is:

"Who said I came here for the heat?"

Maybe I came to make a sandwich. Maybe I am not fighting. Maybe I am simply passing through.

Not every person in the kitchen is cooking the same thing, and not everyone standing near the stove feels the heat in the same way.